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Pigskin Detention: All Tuna, all the time
Cold, Hard Football Facts for January 24, 2007
You would expect the football media to be in a frenzy the morning after a major-market team becomes the first to reach a Super Bowl under the guidance of a black head coach.
You would also expect the media to go loco after the Colts overcame their nemesis from New England in one of the most exciting and highly rated playoff games in NFL history – again led by a black head coach.
You would expect all of this to put the conference title games at the top of every Monday newscast.
But you’d be wrong.
At least that's the case on a day when media darling Bill Parcells "retires."
 In the 11 o’clock hour Monday morning (ET), ESPN interrupted its programming with breaking news out of Dallas that the Tuna was gone.
In most functioning societies, the announcement would have done the job. But this is the football media we’re talking about. Football isn’t covered as entertainment. It’s hardcore news, 24 hours a day, baby
The producers of the endangered Cold Pizza on ESPN figured they’d let the rest of the world absorb the magnitude of Parcells stepping down in Big D. What followed was three consecutive hours, hosted by Jay Crawford and Dana Jacobsen, of asking guests why Parcells stepped down, who would replace him and the inevitable: What role did T.O. play in all this?
The O.J. Simpson trial drew less attention.
Analysis came from football luminaries Skip Bayless, Pat Forde, Jim Fassel, Mac Engel, Gil Brandt, James Hasty, Eric Allen, Tony Dorsett, Len Pasquarelli, Boomer Esiason, Mike Ditka, Ron Jaworski, Darren Woodson, Mark Cannizzaro, Todd Archer and, last but certainly not least, Cold Pizza NFL reporter Bob Glauber. Oh, yeah, we also heard from Dave Shore of ESPN Radio Dallas and Vinny Ditraini of the internationally renowned Bergen Record of New Jersey.
Apparently, Charley Steiner was unavailable for comment.
Over the course of 180 minutes, 18 experts dropped a combination of any or all of the following insights:
- Not surprised Tuna retired because you never know what Bill’s going to do
- Surprised because Bill indicated over the past two weeks that he was still working as head coach
- Surprised, but not surprised
- Bill no longer gets joy from the game and that’s why he retired
- This is it; he’s done coaching
- He’ll be back; he just needs time off
- Not sure if he'll be back, but with Bill Parcells, anything is possible
- T.O. played a factor in this decision
- T.O. didn’t play a factor in this decision
- T.O. played a factor, but he wasn’t the deciding factor
And just who might succeed Parcells for the Cowboys in 2007? We got the following names: Bill Cowher, Charlie Weis, Houston Nutt, Bob Stoops, Dan Reeves, Wade Phillips, Norv Turner, Jeff Fisher, Tony Sparano, Mike Singletary and Brian Schottenheimer.
Damn, that’s a fine coaching staff.
So we’re picking the Cowboys to win it all next year.
Pigskin Poetry
“(Drew) Brees had his 11-year-old Chow mix Alexis on a leash. After a few minutes, Alexis put her nose in the air, went to work, and defecated on the grass. The big test of a man followed … Second in the MVP voting, first in the All-Pro voting at quarterback, and he picks up dog doo. That's what I call a heck of an American.” – Peter King
We’ll give King the benefit of the doubt here and assume he’s being sarcastic.
Brees is just a guy who picks up dogshit.
We’re happy to see King has evolved from his own personal tales of colonoscopy problems to tales of NFL players’ pets dumping on a neighborhood lawn – and all in a football column. We’d rather read more about his pumpkin lattes at Starbucks.
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“I'm tired of hearing that Manning is a choker. This is a guy who has been saddled with a porous defense and still found ways to win week in and week out. How's that a choker?” – Merril Hoge
If by “choker,” you mean someone who performs consistently worse in the playoffs than he does in the regular season, then labeling Manning as a choker isn’t really a matter of opinion. It’s more of an undisputable Cold, Hard Football Fact.
Prior to the conference championship game, the Colts' offensive production decreased 21 percent in the postseason compared with the regular season in Manning’s tenure as QB. His stat line in the playoffs this season had him averaging 219 yards passing in two games, with a total of one touchdown and five interceptions. In other words, he needs to personally thank his “porous” defense for dragging him to the AFC Championship Game.
He did, however, produce in the AFC title game. And you can’t take that away from him. If anything, New England quarterback Tom Brady can lament a porous defense: The 34 points New England scored (27 on offense) were the most ever by a losing team in the AFC title game.
In the entire Super Bowl Era, only one other team scored more than 30 points in a conference title game and lost: The Broncos beat the Browns, 38-33, in the 1987 AFC title game (when Earnest Byner infamously fumbled).
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“Tom Brady is dashingly handsome.” – Mark Schlereth
Anytime Schlereth uses the phrase “dashingly handsome” to describe another man, we take note. It confirms many of our suspicions.
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“One thing I do like about Rex (Grossman) is he takes chances… he’s not afraid … I like his confidence.” – Darren Woodson
Ahh, yes, the classic gunslinger defense used to sugarcoat misguided and inaccurate throws resulting in interceptions. Another way to describe it is… um… what’s the word we’re looking for?
“Well, he’s got some moxie.” – Trey Wingo
Moxie … that’s it. Thanks, Trey.
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 “(Tom Brady) can stick it in some tight spots.” – Phil Simms
Does Giselle Bundchen (charitably pictured here), qualify as a “tight spot”?
“(Brady) can also throw it hard if he needs to.” – Simms
No comment necessary.
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“(Sean Payton) is the next great Bill Walsh play-caller.” – Skip Bayless
Bayless uses the “Mad Libs” theory of sportswriting: He frames each story in the following manner: “____ (current player/coach) is the next ____ (famous player/coach from the past).”
Last April, Bayless was sure Jay Cutler would be the next Brett Favre before ever playing a professional game.
Awesome. Cutler might break the all-time INT record and hijack the Denver organization in the 2010s.
Sometimes, when Bayless is feeling really creative, he shockingly turns his “Mad Libs” theory on its ear, like this: “_____ is NOT the next ____.” In fact, we saw a textbook example of this two years ago, in our “ Slow, hanging curveball.”
 Remember, Bayless is the same guy who built his reputation telling us that Troy Aikman was gay. For the record, here’s a photo of a very heterosexual Aikman and his wife.
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“I thought (Rex Grossman) did a great job of playing within the framework of what the game plan dictated.” – Aikman
Translation: “Rex didn’t throw any interceptions, and for him, that’s an amazing feat. Sure, he completed just 11 of 26 passes and missed some wide-open throws, but he didn’t ruin the game.”
Actually, the Cold, Hard football Facts have proven that, sometimes, the best thing that can be said of a quarterback is that he didn’t throw any picks. Grossman certainly deserves some credit for that in the NFC title game.
But Aikman used so many politically correct euphemisms to describe Grossman’s otherwise ordinary performance (144 yards) that we were waiting for him to call the Bears defense the “Alternatively Sized Persons of the Midway.”
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“Gotta be a special day, huh Mrs. McCaskey?” – Terry Bradshaw
"No, Terry, reaching our first Super Bowl in 21 years makes this just another ordinary day for the Bears organization.”
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“We’re not supposed to cheer, but I did. I’ll be honest. I could never be more proud of a player than Manning.” – Sean Salisbury
Let’s just forget about the other 48 players in the Indy organization who just won their first conference title game.
“Understand how much (Peyton Manning) wants to win, how hard he works at it, how much he loves the game … And then you'll feel like I feel right now. Like justice has been served.” – King
Justice hasn’t been served, Peter. The truth is that Manning finally had a performance that was worthy of the endless praise he’s been getting since 1998.
Manning must feel so much better knowing that various members of the mainstream media want to make hot, sweaty man love to him. If you doubted whether the “pundits” have a big boner for Manning, these quotes pretty much prove it.
All-Too-Obvious Prose
“Your quarterback has to make plays in order to win.” – Aikman
We thought he had to make dinner plans with a supermodel.
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“A lot of times, with teams who are evenly matched, it comes down to the fourth quarter.” – Aikman
Hey, we like the guy … but this was not his best week.
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“It is a professional football team.” – Boomer Esiason, on the Patriots
Unlike the 16 amateur teams in the NFC.
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“Lance Briggs is a heck of a football player.” – King
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“(Reggie Bush is) still learning to be a football player in the National Football League.” – Salisbury
As always, we appreciate the depth of analysis, fellas.
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