This week’s Monday Morning Hangover is a little later than usual because we’re in bleary-eyed oblivion after a festive weekend pounding the season’s very first pints of Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale, which just hit markets near you in late October.

 

We’ve already lined up our keg of Celebration Ale – maybe the best beer ever brewed in America – for consumption during the Pigskin High Holidays later this month. You’re all invited.

 

Elsewhere around the disconnected synapses that pass for the collective psyche of the Cold, Hard Football Facts, our cheesy 80s song of the week is dedicated to the former high-flying passing game of the Raiders, which suffered one of the most humiliating outings in franchise history on Sunday. 

 

Rest assured, Oakland, that the 80s offer the answers to all of life's ills. Of course, so, too, does suicide. So take our advice for what it's worth.

 

 

 

 

STUD: Kurt Warner – The Arizona QB continues to roll, passing for 342 yards and 2 TDs as the Cardinals racked up 510 yards of offense over the helpless Lambs. His 104.2 passer rating would be his best since his amazing breakout 1999 season (109.2). And, as we predicted before the start of the season, his presence puts the Cardinals on pace to capture just the third postseason victory in the franchise’s 89 seasons.

 

DUD: JaMarcus Russell – If Russell plays any worse (6 of 19 for 31 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT,  19.0 passer rating) Al Davis might bench him and trade for Brad Johnson. Russell was also sacked four times for -21 yards – meaning he netted 10 yards of offense in the passing game. He did, however, lead the Raiders with 46 rushing yards. So even on one of the worst days imaginable, his 56 yards accounted for nearly all of Oakland’s 77 yards of total offense. Where would the Raiders be without him?

 

STUD: Ray Rice – The Baltimore rookie RB, playing in a crowded backfield, nearly doubled his season rushing total with 154 yards on 21 carries, the top rushing output of the week.

 

DUD: The Detroit offense – After ripping off a season high 23 points in the second quarter, the 0-8 Lions failed to score a single second-half point, falling to Chicago, 27-23.

 

STUD: John Abraham – Playing well against the Oakland offense shouldn’t count. It’s like beating up an old lady or something. But John Abraham brought down JaMarcus Russell three times Sunday, and that spells a good day in any book. Abraham helped hold the Raiders offense to a pathetic 77 yards on the day, one of the worst outputs in franchise history, and also forced one fumble. His 10 sacks is second in the NFL this year, behind Miami’s Joey Porter (11.5).

 

DUD: Brad Johnson – Ouch! Tony Romo’s poor little pinkie can’t heal soon enough.

 

Wow! If you took Tampa in your death pool … well, you’re still alive, but only after surviving a cerebral hemorrhage, a heart attack and a gunshot to your man package.

 

That’s one tough day.

 

On paper, this might have been the mismatch of the week – a top defensive team from one of the top divisions in the NFL battling one of the worst offensives in the league from one of the worst divisions in the league.

 

But the Chiefs somehow made a game of it, before doing all the little things it takes to blow a game – in true Herm Squad fashion.

Other than that, the Chiefs made all the big plays they needed to win the game

 

The Titans are 8-0 despite scoring just three more points than the 3-5 Houston Texans (199 to 196).

 

How are they doing it? Well, for one, they have one of the best scoring defenses in recent history, allowing 12.9 PPG. But the Titans also have one of the most efficient offenses in the league.

 

After scoring one touchdown in two goal-to-go attempts against Green Bay, Tennessee has now scored 12 touchdowns and two field goals in 14 goal-to-go situations – a hefty 85.7% conversion rate, while leaving just eight of a possible 98 points off the scoreboard. The Titans also committed zero turnovers for the third straight week and have just eight turnovers on the season.

 

Great field position helps Tennessee’s efficiency: the Titans boast the second best kickoff return average at 26.5 YPR.

 

If you like college football and love CHFF’s reckless disregard for taste and decency, then Every Day Should be Saturday should be right up your alley.

 

Real funny guys with a passion for college football – much of it devoted to their beloved Florida Gators. You’ll dig it.

 

'Member how we kept the defending champ Giants No. 1 in our preseason Power Rankings? And 'member how almost everyone else in the seedy underworld of online pigskin “punditry” put the Cowboys No. 1 in their Power Rankings? And 'member how all those Cowboys fans sent us angry e-mails?

 

Do you 'member?

 

How’s that working for everybody today?

 

Dallas has dropped four of its last six games after starting 3-0. They’ve also dropped 2½ games off the pace in the wildly competitive NFC East and the once-proud Cowfrauds sit in last place in the division.

 

The actual defending Super Bowl champs, the Giants, are now 7-1 after this impressive beatdown of the Cowboys on Sunday, and are proclaiming, very loudly and quite clearly, "We're still the team the team to beat, a-holes!"

 

The Giants dominated this game in pretty much every possible way, gaining more yards (319 to 183) and more first downs (23 to 11) than the Cowboys, while New York’s punishing ground attack amassed an even 200 yards. Brandon Jacobs (17-117-1 TD) and Derrick Ward (12-63-1 TD) combined for 180 yards on just 29 carries, for an astonishing 6.2 yard-per-carry average.

 

The reeling, Romo-less Cowboys had just 102 net passing yards, while giving up 67 yards on interception returns.

 

That's not a good day at the office.

 

Record-setting wide receivers took center stage in this NFC West clash.

 

Arizona’s Anquan Boldin reached 450 receptions faster than any other player, eclipsing that mark in his 74th NFL game. He finished with six catches for 85 yards and a TD, bringing his career reception total to 455.

 

On the other side, second-year St. Louis wideout Derek Stanley registered his first professional catch, hauling in an 80-yard bomb for a touchdown that opened the scoring. It was his only reception of the day, meaning that Stanley has generated the most yards per catch in NFL history (granted, that is likely to be a short-lived distinction).

 

Over their careers, Boldin averages 6.15 receptions per game and 13.1 yards per catch, while Stanley averages just 0.14 receptions per game but an unprecedented 80.0 yards per catch.

 

 

Brett Favre stands atop another quarterbacking list (beyond those we noted earlier today). With the Jets win at Ralph Wilson Stadium, he joins Dan Marino as the only quarterbacks to win games in 31 different NFL arenas.

 

You’ll never guess who stands alone at third on the list. Seriously … you’ll never guess.

 

It’s Steve McNair, who was tied with Favre with victories in 31 NFL stadiums.

 

The top five is rounded out by Joe Montana and Vinny Testaverde, each of whom won games in 28 NFL stadiums.

 

As we noted elsewhere on Monday, Favre also reached the magical 300 INT plateau, and now stands all alone in second place on the all-time fumbles list. But he won the game and his Jets stand in a tie atop the surprisingly competitive AFC East with the Bills and Patriots.

 

Just another day at the office for Old Yeller.

 

The Patriots are very familiar with having games decided by Adam Vinatieri.

 

After all, one of his field goals provided the margin of victory in all three of their Super Bowl triumphs.

 

But Vinatieri now swings his golden leg for Indianapolis, and he delivered a much-needed win for the Colts by connecting from 52 yards away with just over eight minutes remaining.

 

To listen to the announcers on NBC, Vinatieri hadn’t made a field goal of 50 yards or more since 2002.

 

Well, that’s only true if the playoffs are discounted (which, of course, they shouldn’t be).

 

On the road to Indy’s championship in Super Bowl XLI, Vinatieri nailed two field goals from long distance: a 50-yarder against Kansas City in the wild-card round and a 51-yarder against Baltimore in the divisional round. The game-deciding kick on Sunday night was, however, his longest field goal since hitting from 57 yards against Chicago on Nov. 10, 2002.

 

Halloween weekend was a scary one in the Wolverine State. The University of Michigan dropped out of bowl contention for the first time in 33 years, while the state’s alleged “pro” football entry produced another patented failure.

 

The pathetic Lions pieced together probably their single best quarter of play this season in the second frame against the Bears. They scored 23 points, knocked Chicago QB Kyle Orton out of the game, and raced out to a 23-13 halftime lead at Soldier Field.

 

The failed to come out of the locker room for the second half.

 

The much-maligned Rex Grossman came off the bench in relief of Orton to throw for one touchdown and run for another to push the Bears in front, 27-23. Chicago’s defense then survived Detroit’s final possession, which reached all the way to the Bears’ 32-yard line before time ran out on the now 0-8 Lions.

 

With this victory, Chicago (5-3) claimed sole possession of first place in the NFC North at the season’s midway point.

 

With Cincinnati’s win over Jacksonville on Sunday, the Lions are now the only winless team left in the league, and have lost 15 of their last 16 games dating back to 2007, including nine in a row. The last time the Lions started 0-8 was in 2001; they opened the season with 12 straight losses that season.

 

The Falcons didn’t quite match the humiliating smackdown that Oklahoma put on Nebraska Saturday – the Sooners took a 28-0 five minutes into the game and held on for a narrow 62-28 win.

 

But Atlanta came pretty damn close – at least by the typically more competitive standards of NFL.

 

The Falcons led 24-0 just 24 minutes into the game and here’s how Oakland QB JaMarcus Russell and Atlanta QB Matt Ryan – the top two quarterbacks taken in each of the last two NFL drafts – stacked up at that point in the game:

The Raiders closed out the first half with -2 yards of offense and zero first downs. But they poured on the offense with 79 second-half yards, to finish the game with 77, just a shade behind Atlanta’s 453 yards of offense.

 

Russell ended the game with 6 of 19 completions for 31 yards, 0 TD and 1 INT.

Ryan was nearly flawless, completing 17 of 22 for 220 yards, 2 TD and 0 INT.

 

Do you think Russell regrets sitting out Oakland’s training camp last year? Do you think Al Davis regrets taking him? Do you think Russell regrets being taken by Davis?

 

The march from ignominy to glory continues for Tuna’s Dolphins.

 

We’ve made much of the team’s offensive improvements with Chad Pennington at the helm, but at this rate they’ll give up 326 points this year – an improvement of 111 points over their 437-point defensive debacle in 2007.

 

It's not Super Bowl-caliber defense. But it's a vast improvement that gives the 'Fins a fighting chance week after week. And, at 4-4 and very much in the race for the AFC East title, a fighting chance here in 2008 is a hell of a lot more than most Dolfans could have hoped for last year.

 

The Texans tandem of Matt Schaub (who left the game with a sore knee at halftime) and Sage Rosenfels combined combined to complete 32 of 45 passes on the day, for 363 yards and 2 touchdowns (both by Rosenfels).

 

But in true Texans fashion, they also hijacked Houston’s hopes with critical mistakes: each threw red-zone interceptions that cost the team a shot at victory.

 

The Vikings, meanwhile, are on something of a surge. Minnesota has won three of its last four games after a shaky 1-3 start. And, with a 4-4 record, they’ve pulled into a second-place tie with the Packers in the Black & Blow Division, one game behind Chicago.

 

Adrian Peterson rushed for 139 yards on 25 carries (5.6 YPA) and also rushed for a touchdown. Oddly enough, this victory was Minnesota's first of the year in which Peterson has scored a rushing touchdown. They had lost the previous three games in 2008 in which Peterson found paydirt on the ground.

 

The Texans (3-5) played all four October games at home, due to a hurricane-related postponement, and their return to the road was a bit of a reality check. They're 12-40 away from Reliant Stadium all time, and 4-24 since the start of the 2005 season.

 

A bright note: Houston’s young stud DE Mario Williams recorded another sack on Sunday, giving him 20 in his last 20 regular season games.

 

A number of NFL teams have turned to a two running back system in recent years. But the Ravens have decided to take it to another level with a dangerous three-headed monster at running back.

 

Baltimore has three running backs with 339 yards or more rushing:

Each back has led the team in rushing in at least one game this year. It was the rookie's Rice's turn this week, with 21 carries for 154 yards, including a 60-yard scamper.

 

Thanks to the trio of running backs and one of the stingiest run defenses in the league Baltimore has out-rushed its opponents more than 2-to-1 (1190 to 514) – a rare feat in any era of football.

 

 

The saying “it’s not how you start, it’s how you finish” was tailor made for Donovan McNabb Sunday.

 

McNabb went 0 for 7 to start the game and, in the first quarter, completed just 3 of 13 (23%) for 57 yards, 4.4 YPA, 0 TD, 1 INT and a 13.3 passer rating, as the Eagles trailed 7-0.

 

From the second quarter on, McNabb went 25 for 30 (83%) for 292 yards, 9.7 YPA, 2 TD, 0 INT and a 129.4 rating leading the Eagles to all 26 of their points.

 

This is the second straight week McNabb began slowly, after he completed 2 of 6 passes for 13 yards last week against the Falcons. It’s also a new trend after McNabb was exceptionally good in the first quarter early in the season.

 

Through their first eight games, the Bengals boasted no 100-yard rushers and no victories.

 

They finally broke though on both fronts Sunday.

 

Cedric Benson, the former fourth overall pick who was released by the Bears in June, powered Cincinnati to its first victory of the season by gaining 104 yards on 24 carries.

 

He also scored his first touchdown as a member of the Bengals, finding the end zone from 7 yards out in the third quarter. Over three disappointing seasons with Chicago, Benson recorded just two 100-yard games – and he didn’t have a TD in either of them.

 

The last time he scored and topped the century mark in the same contest was nearly four years ago, during his senior season at Texas. On Nov. 26, 2004, in the penultimate game of his college career, Benson gashed Texas A&M for 165 yards and a touchdown.

 

Bengals patriarch Paul Brown was so proud of the performance he stopped rolling over in his grave, at least for one week.